It had been a long day, and Nathan and I were getting ready for bed when I cocked my head to one side and thought a minute. “I just realized something,” I told my husband, the idea slowly clarifying itself as I talked it out.

“God has probably been trying to show me this for the last five or ten years. I don’t know how many hundreds of times I’ve told the children to put away a pile of things or clean up an area of mess on the floor, and they’ve whined, ‘I don’t know where it all goes!’ or acted as if they’re in despair as they ask, ‘Where does it all go?’ And every time, I tell them ’I can’t tell you everything at once. Bring it to me one by one, whatever you don’t know, and I’ll tell you.‘ I know they won’t remember if I tell them everything at one time. But they still fuss because they don’t know where everything goes before they start.”

Nathan looked at me quizzically, wondering where I was going with this story.
“And yet I do the same thing to God,” I said. “I fuss and cry because I don’t know where everything is going to go in the schedule or the budget. But He just wants me to bring it to Him one by one and ask Him, and He’ll tell me.”

Why Not Just Ask?

Case in point: a few months ago, I wrote this journal entry / prayer as I questioned where this website will fit in my schedule:

Lord, is this website/business really of You? Should I continue pursuing it? When I started, I was so sure it was of You, and felt I must write…but as the years speed by and I cannot seem to make any progress or catch a smidgen of quiet, alert writing time even every few weeks, I begin to wonder. Why has my burden all but disappeared? Why does every night something (or seven things) come up that seem more important, and drag out until (like now) I am fighting to keep my eyelids open and my fingers from sliding off the keys as my head nods?

I know that You value any service done for You, Lord, and that I should be content to wash the feet of my children or do whatever “invisible” tasks You have for me, faithfully serving my family rather than seeking wider influence for its own sake. Yet, if You have truly led me to write a blog, shouldn’t I be able to do it without duties conflicting? I think I have thought about writing almost every night for the past month or two, but every night I either…

• Feel mentally weary and in need of a break with some light or useful reading,
• Am busy with genuinely urgent projects like taxes and Sunday prep, or
• Have something important to do for someone else.

Tonight I wanted to start writing when my reminder alarm went off at 9:30, but instead I…

• Finished feeding Baby while skimming FB and looking up paracord bracelets in Marketplace to see the going rate
• Posted paracord bracelets on Marketplace for my son to sell
• Looked for a battery for another family member and listened to them tell me about some things they’ve bought
• Listened to Nathan tell me about a grammar book he liked, and something encouraging and spiritual that I can’t even remember right now
• Got the Chinese chart from the fridge for Nathan
• Looked up a new grammar book for another son and talked with him about action, state, and being verbs.
• Finally sat down at the computer about 11pm, and wrote the above while half asleep
• And now it’s two minutes until midnight, an hour and a half past the time when I’m supposed to be turning off the computer and getting ready for bed.

So were those things not really my duties? And is it not also my duty to take care of my health by getting adequate sleep? Help me, Father—I don’t have the stamina and brain power to complete this sentence without stopping half a dozen times, and if I keep pushing myself I will probably be unwell in the morning. And there is no other time when I can be assured of quiet, uninterrupted time to write.

I share that complaining, conflicted journal entry not to make you feel sorry for me, but because I know we all have unfulfilled desires, perhaps burdens we’ve been carrying for years of things we think God wants us to do for Him, but that seem impossible. What’s in your basket of items without a home? Try asking, “Lord, I don’t know what to do with this. Where should I put it?”

Where To Put It

And you know, sometimes He might just tell us to put it in the trash. Maybe we were wrong and this dream was of our own making, not actually part of His plan for our lives. But often, He has the perfect place for it . . . just not where we expected. Maybe we just need to get up and try it, even if we think it won’t fit.

So that’s what I’m doing with this website, and with the book I’m working on that’s looking like it will be a ten-year project. So far, He hasn’t told me to throw it away, and every time I talk about it with my husband, he encourages me to keep trying. Several of you have refreshed my heart and renewed my vision by telling me that this website has been a blessing to you.

So right now I’m sticking it on the late night shelf in my schedule—right between the children’s bedtime and mine. Maybe He’ll have me move it to early morning sometime when I have more self-control. But for now, I just have to keep taking it one day at a time, actually sitting down and cranking out the words when it is time to write, and being content when He says, “No, this first.”

And now it’s time to pick up the next thing from my basket and get ready for bed. Good night for now!